Each time Michael Bay comes out with a new movie, he writes checks that his talent can’t keep. He promised that the third Transformers movie, Dark of the Moon would make up for the writer’s strike-doomed second movie, Revenge of the Fallen, but all he delivered was a perfect carbon copy replica of the movie he apologized for. After three consecutive Transformers movies, he gave us his word that he was done with franchise – but now he’s making a fourth. With Pain & Gain, Bay made a blood oath to us that he was going to return to the low(er) budget fun that originally landed him on the map – but all he manages to do is combine the jumbled story/tonal inconsistencies of the Transformers movies with the exact same technical qualities that he employed throughout all of his other movies. Pain & Gain has potential, but Michael Bay’s final product is light-years away from reaching it.
If you can’t tell, I’m frustrated with Bay. He hit the ground running with Bad Boys and The Rock. Armageddon wasn’t terrible, but he’s had an almost ongoing case of the hiccups ever since. While I loathe Pearl Harbor and the second two Transformers movies, he has stooped to a new low with Pain & Gain.
Pain & Gain is based on an unbelievably true story. Back in the ’90s, three down-and-out bodybuilders decided that they were going to climb out of their slumps and grasp the “American Dream” – by force. Mark Wahlberg, The Rock (who shares the same name as Bay’s second feature film) and Anthony Mackie play the three juiced-up criminals-to-be. Their plan is to kidnap a tycoon who trains at their gym and torture him until he legally signs away all of his belongings and bank accounts. Once the papers are signed, they’ll find a way to “remove him from the equation.” Being three knuckleheads, of course, their plan quickly goes awry. The absurdities that follow are so ridiculous that Bay decided to burn the line, “This is still a true story,” during the movie. No matter how true the movie is or isn’t, it’s not worthwhile because of the tone conflicting with the content.
The movie kicks off with a decent amount of comedy, frequently drawing well-deserved laughs. Our three central characters appear to be normal people, but through the course of the movie they evolve into an absolutely idiotic trio that’s neither funny nor fun to watch. On top of that, the story quickly turns to the extremely dark side. The content does not match Bay’s desired tone. While we’re watching innocent people get murdered – mind you, this part of the story is very true – he’s trying to make us laugh through these bozo’s silly actions.
Only making this long and disjointed movie feel even longer is a non-stop string of inner monologues. I don’t mind movies riddled with inner monologue – like Fight Club – but Pain & Gain‘s is piss poor. Instead of hearing one character narrate the story, we listen to absolutely every single character. That’s right. They all narrate and it’s nearly non-stop.
I honestly can’t think of a single person that I know who will find Pain & Gain entertaining. I’d deem it a “trainwreck,” but train wrecks are hard to pull your eyes away from and I literally never want to watch another frame from Pain & Gain.
Photo credit: Paramount
