The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

(a.k.a. – The movie that would’ve been better had it been “sweeded” by Jack Black and Mos Def, or Jesus Lions, Narnians, and Spaniards – Oh, my!)

The Spy Kids are, once again, returning to Lord of the Rings land in Prince Caspian. One year after climbing out of the Narnia through the wardrobe, the four ugliest kids in the world are summoned back. To their surprise, 1,300 years have past in Narnia, the Narnians are basically extinct, and some evil Spaniard-like people have taken over the land. The four teen Queens and Kings must work with the overthrown Spanish Prince Caspian to retake the kingdom with the help of the remaining midgets, goat-people, rats, and other disgusting animal/human hybrids.

If they never make another Narnia movie, I’ll die a very happy man. Prince Caspian was filled with lame pointless action, bad dialogue, tons of inconsistencies, holes and errors, had awful acting with even worse accents, and felt even longer than The Return of the King (which was over three and a half hours long).

The icing on the top if this crap-cake was the Jesus Lion’s stupid, meaningless morals. Throughout the movie, when the youngest, ugliest girl acts him for help, he keeps saying, “Things don’t happen the same way twice.” Despite what the lion says, I can tell you several things that happen the same wasy twice with Prince Caspian: the ending (yep, it’s exactly the same), the soundtrack (no changes at all), and the kids defy reality (as in, after not fighting for one year, they can beat armies of trained warrior all by themselves). Give me a break.

This original book series’ film career has gone to pot. Instead of translating the creative ideas from the books, they’ve robbed ideas and effects from Lord of the Rings and other epic trilogies.

Photo credit: Buena Vista/Disney